Children gain emotional intelligence when parents stay calm and address the feelings that drive misbehavior, psychologist Juli Fraga says. "These kids become more emotionally intelligent, which helps them weather setbacks, embrace independence and try new things," she adds.
Fraga frames misbehavior as communication. From toddler tantrums to teenage door‑slamming, acting out signals underlying worries, fatigue or unmet needs. Parents who read those signals and respond to the emotions beneath the surface help children develop long‑term self‑regulation.
Her first recommendation is to regulate before reacting. Parents should pause, breathe deeply and lower their own arousal. Deep breathing increases oxygen to muscles and triggers the body’s relaxation response, and calm adults make it easier for children to mirror regulated behavior.
Second, adopt curiosity instead of control. Fraga urges parents to play detective rather than act like a CEO. Asking what might be driving the behavior, fear of punishment, a craving for autonomy, or something else, keeps children engaged and preserves their confidence while you solve the real problem.
Third, help children name feelings. Putting emotions into words reduces the intensity of the brain’s alarm systems and gives kids tools to manage big feelings. Simple questions such as "Are you sad?" or "Are you worried?" can open a path to calm and discussion.
Fourth, examine how parents model emotion. Children copy what they see, so adults should check their own bodily cues and needs. Noticing heaviness in the chest, jaw tension or a racing body can point to sadness, anger or stress, and prompt parents to seek support, set boundaries or practice self‑care.
Fifth, rule out basic stressors. Fraga recommends scanning for the H.A.L.T. triggers, hungry, angry, lonely or tired, and addressing those needs first. Often a snack, a nap or focused time with a caregiver will reset a child’s nervous system and reduce acting out.
Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly two decades of clinical experience. She co‑authored the book "Parents Have Feelings, Too," leads expectant parent workshops at the University of California, San Francisco hospital, and supervises psychiatry residents. She also shares guidance on Instagram at @parentshavefeelingstoo. Parents who try these five tactics may find fewer escalations and more opportunities to teach emotional skills.
